Wow, am I pensive or am I pensive? I think. I know. But nowadays, I’m thinking a lot. Its like become a habit, a subconscious one. Like when, you bite your nails and you don’t realize what you are doing unless someone, comments on your “bad”, “un-lady-like” behavior. Its like falling through space, thinking you are safe and its only a dream, but waking up just in time to see that you’ve fallen outta your head.
So I naturally have become really serious. I don’t smile. Which I’m hating by the way. This is a very new feeling for me. Not feeling good. Generally, I give Teletubbies a run for their money because of my chirpiness. I’m an irritant at home, because of my slapstick jokes. But that was yesterday. Today, I don’t feel good. Season change, did someone say? No, that’s not it. Let’s just say, I have done some Very Bad Stuff, which I’m feeling Very Bad about.
I broke a friend’s heart. I wasn’t their when she needed me. I was too busy making my future. I left her in the dark, with nothing to support on. I am a monster. There. I said it. I have been a very bad friend. Which I was not. A bad friend, that is. I really don’t know how to re-do (re-vamp? Re-furbish? Re-create?) the trust I’ve lost with my friend.
For a long time, I was thinking. Oh well. To bullocks with it. Why do I care? Yeah, one college mate lost. No biggie. But you know… that small voice inside your head? Behind your ear? Crawling up your veins? That little fella constantly kicked me in the shins, pulling me down to planet earth, and pulling my ears close to its mouth and telling me I M WRONG.
So here I am. Making a confession. I want my friend back. I want everything back to normal. I want sunshine. I want silly smiles on my face again. I want free from guilt.